A New Start

Mommy and Daddy wanted to Skype. I don't blame them for being worried. 

All they had heard from me for the past week was that I was hungry and losing weight, I was crying in the middle of the Italian markets because I couldn't find things to eat, the ATM rejected my card, and my best friends who were going to visit me for my birthday could no longer come to Italy. And all I had heard from them was that my little brother was in the ER with a virus and that my cat (AKA my baby) was in the vet and rushed to the ER for an ultrasound. 

They talked me through things. Pleaded with me to not worry about the extra cost of good food. I am truly blessed and fortunate to have parents that are so supportive and so giving. At the same time, I am far too frugal to go to Ciro & Sons every week (I'm a Jew...it's in my blood). 

I received encouragement from others on Facebook after posting about my frustrations. Unfortunately, a lot of the feedback was along the lines of "Do more research and you'll get it." I did approximately 11 hours of research prior to my departure, and have spent around 9 more since arriving researching. However, I will persevere. 

After talking with my parents, I put aside my "Gluten Map," as I've begun to call it, and went to mass at the Duomo. I knew I would have to make this journey about God, not food. This journey iss about finding food for my soul, not about food for my body. 

I was nervous to go to mass. I'm not a Catholic. I'm not familiar with the proceedings of mass, and all I know of the prayers from my time in the Episcopal church as a vocalist vary from the Catholic prayers. But, I walked down to the Piazza Duomo to the Cattedrale de Santa Maria del Fiore, and my breath was taken away by the grandeur of the marble columns and the frescoed ceilings.

There are times in your life when you know God is telling you that He hears you and knows your struggles and is there for you. 

I've never heard God speak to me--something that used to bother me, but I eventually learned that His silence is not a lack of presence, but a part of my walk with Him, and that He loves me whether I hear it directly or not. But there are times He speaks to me in other ways--through people, events, a beautiful sunset I happen to see, a smile from a stranger, a number 12. 

This mass was one of those times. I knew He wanted me to be there in that cathedral. I knew He wanted me to hear the homily about overcoming challenges and focusing on Him, and the assurance that if we can dedicate ourselves to Him, there is nothing we need to despair about. We may still have challenges and frustrations, but if we allow our preoccupations to prevent us from seeing Him and His will for our lives, we will never be healthy. These were the priest's words--"challenges," "health," "dedication," "worship," "overcoming, "focus."

I thought about how I've been living my life thus far. I've worked endlessly and tirelessly to put my life in a neat and organized stack, checking off boxes as I go and treating life as a to-do list that leads to success. I've always thought that if I did things 'right', then I would be successful. If I enrolled in the right classes, did the extra credit, participated in the right extracurriculars...then I would be happy. If I did what would most likely lead to success, I would find happiness.

But I'm so wrong. I've been wrong all along. All the times I've sat on the sidelines and watched life go by, I though I needed to focus on how to make myself happy. When in fact, to make myself happy, I needed to let go and do what I wanted. 

I've operated that way in my friendships, relationships, everything. I see the world from a systematic viewpoint, thinking I can manipulate things and control things. But I'm not happy. I'm stuck at a college I don't like, I'm in programs I don't like, and luckily I can say that I've made steps towards changing that. I got out of toxic environments (The Music Department, Greek life, etc.) that were no longer making me happy, and followed God's call to this country of happiness and love and disorganization and disorientation and culture and history and sainthood. And gluten. 

But I don't need that. That's temptation. That's Satan telling me, "You need this to be happy. Everyone else can do something you can't do, and it's a huge deal. You will never be happy." 

And yes, it's hard. Food is very social--you never notice until you go through a change like this. Food is at the heart of communication, especially here. Every meeting, outing, excursion includes some aspect of food. But that's okay. Because food is everywhere here, but God is everywhere too. And He's so much more present, so much stronger, and He is with me, not out of my reach. I'm not allergic to God. I don't need any of the other things.

I'm ready to stop trying to do what I think will make me most successful and do what God is calling me to do. To live a life dedicated to Him. I don't know what that looks like yet; it may be going on a mission, becoming a minister, being a housewife who teaches her children about God, working for nonprofits...being more conscious of what God wants of me and professing His name in all I do. I don't have to have the specifics of what this will look like (my occupation, etc.) figured out right now. 

This is a spiritual journey, and the Celiac is a challenge. The hardest challenge I've ever had to face, the most temptation I've ever had to face, but bitterness, jealousy, and temptation is sinful and unhealthy. Taking in the Holy Spirit is the best thing I can do. And, if I follow God, there is nothing that could better guarantee my happiness. No one ever followed God and regretted it. With God there is joy and peace. And I am ready for joy and peace. God is much better at planning life than I ever could be. So I need to sit back and let the pro do it. 

Following mass, I signed up for a youth group for international university students. The priest announced that confessions would be in confessional 12. I've never gone to confession before, and can only receive a blessing (not absolution). However, I felt called to do it. I tried to quietly ask the youth group leader what to do, and a friendly young woman overheard, came over and said, "It's really easy and you will love it. Come on, I'm heading over right now. I'll stand in line with you."

Sammie and I spent the next few hours together. She is passionate about the Lord, and I was relieved to finally find someone to share my faith with. We got coffee and talked about God, travel, and Italy. As we said goodbye, she said, "It's been such a blessing to meet you. I think we're going to be good friends." I gave her a hug, knowing God answered so many prayers in one day.